Sometimes, even at all levels, the more you try, the more the end goal just seems elusive. And you find yourself feeling like a hamster on the little treadwheel. Squeak, squeak, squeak.
Ever have one of those days? Nay, one of those weekends? You are on what you think is an even path, treading along, and then all of a sudden, one thing goes wrong, sets other things awry, and then you find out that all of your best laid plans are really not the map you are going to be driving to for the upcoming future. I hate that. I'm also trying to remember if I can recollect the last time I've felt this way, but it seems I can't. It is rather strange. When I lived on the right coast (nee East Coast to most of you), I dealt with the ups and downs of everyday life like everyone else, but I seem to remember that although the problems were frustrating, the end goal didn't look to be so far out of sight. I didn't feel like I had to re-arrange everything and live at the uncomfortable edge of my comfort zone thinking that any minute [and the wrong wind] and we collapse. I have to say, I don't like it. I think this is the type of miasma that the colleagues warned me about. This is what they meant when they said, 'ok/nice place to visit, but no place to raise a family, no way, not with the way things are out there'. At the time I had assumed it was just puritan values talking, but you know what? Not everyone was native to Massachusetts, and you can't always lump everyone into the same bucket. Doesn't work that way. I think the advice was given on several levels, and I just took one of those, thinking it was the whole kit and caboodle. It wasn't. The problem then becomes that it seems you are stuck. Admit defeat? Argh, no. Then the family gets their triumph and 20 years of guaranteed "I-told-you-so's". No thanks. But go forward? A fighting soul says yes, but gracious is that a tough battle. I'm wondering if it's the inner transformation that I'm having difficulties with, or the perceived feeling of being 'trapped', in some sense worse than before.
The garage door has opened. Sounds like someone has returned from an evening out.
I listen to the cars drive by on the street, the few that do pass. Some folks outside talking earlier, but it is now late, and everyone has retired to bed or at least inside. Only the residual urban noises.
I wish it would rain actually. I really like the sound of the rain against the glass. No matter where I have ever lived, the sound of rain has always been the most soothing tonic. I just don't get enough of it. The neighbors, Jonathan and Anna Maria, are expecting their first child in a few weeks (3 to go actually), so they are in the last throes of preparation. Sharon is studying very hard for her bar exam, and Mark and Rich were so nice to vacuum the pine needles off of the stairs after the Christmas tree was taken out. Our little house in the middle of the street feels like quite the haven. Though I do not understand why I feel 'lost'.
It's a very deep and boring emotion, and it leaves you feeling hollow, and it's very difficult to put into words. I have this nagging sense that I've been duped. The whole 'work your way to success' roadmap preached all of one's life is truly a sham. It's like going for the gold or the prize or whatever. Everyone is eager to teach you how to get it, but no one teaches how to deal with things after. No one prepares you for the fact that you are left standing there and wondering, 'ok, now what?'
I do remember feeling like this before. And so I think the roadmap lessons should be tweaked. The roadmap REALLY should be 'learn to be content with less, learn to be smart, learn to appreciate everything in life. Make sure you stop and smell the flowers, every day. Do what makes you the happiest, not what brings you the most money. Forget about the prize, worry about keeping happiness in your life.' Somewhere along the way, I've lost focus. There are some moments of granularity when I can stop to appreciate the rainbows that appear suddenly after a quick rain, when I can enjoy and marvel at the beautiful patterns that the clouds make in the sky, when the ocean never fails to amaze me. But I don't think there are enough of those moments. Those all seem to get buried in the yelling, in the deadlines, in the constant questioning of how I will fix things and ever prevent another inefficiency from happening, in the blame game. Ugh, that low point on the roller coaster. Not a fun point in the ride, that's for sure. I wonder if others feel as I do. Does someone like Carly Fiorina, arguably one of the most successful women of not only her generation, but of many generations before her, feel challenged, and invigorated every day? Are the worries less? Are there other people to deal with the ordinary worries and take care of everything? Does the pressure overshadow those moments that should be appreciated for their fleeting beauty? I wonder. I would love to know. Just out of sheer curiosity.
Like all bad points on the roller coaster ride though, I'm hoping that a good night of sleep will help shake this off. As they say, everything looks different in the morning. Maybe not better, but certainly different. Sunshine sometimes tends to help.
I should remember too, that it is January. Post-holiday. Mid-winter. The seasonal blues.
Perhaps it's time to turn in.....
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